This ball was in honor of me and twenty plus powerful women. Possibly one of the most important events of my life, seeing that I didn’t get to go to Homecoming, Prom or any formal event like, ever. I ruined it. Normally whenever I go to a public space I have someone close to me go with me so I don’t freak out. However if I’m alone, in a space with people I’m not close with I freak out. That was pretty much my whole night. I knew of a lot of people but I didn’t really know of anyone but one person.

That one person was someone that’d stay the night at my house. Someone I had memories with and became close with a fallen friend. This is the first person I told almost everything to. I never got to talk about my toxic relationship until I met this woman. Seeing her online; she was powerful, smart and sharp but I knew she was working on getting her shit together. Just like any old friend I was happy to see her the night before the Ball but we didn’t cross paths. My mind took me back to the week before when I tried reaching out to her on a toxic situation but my message was left on read and of course I felt some type of way. I kept telling myself – oh maybe she’s just busy but she never replied and when she didn’t look my way the day before I was hurt.

If she didn’t want to talk to me why didn’t she just communicate with me?

I didn’t get it. So the night of the Ball comes. I’m observing where I should sit. Scoping for an empty table – somewhere noticeable but not stand-outish and a lovely and familiar face came to me.

“There’s nobody else sitting at my table.”
“Awesome awesome!” I replied with a pep in my voice.
“Yea I figured I should ask because you looked lost.” She chuckled.
“I was.” I embarrassedly replied.

 

 

 

 

 

The night went fast. But I couldn’t stop thinking about the four people I invited to the ball with me; My two best guy friends, my child’s father (we picked out colors to wear together), and lastly this kick ass queen that doubled as an emcee and photographer that I reconnected with. Sadly my two guy best friends lived far – one in NY and one in KY, my child’s father moved to California and that kick ass queen I just mentioned got sick. Not to mention I didn’t rsvp for the event in time so I couldn’t really have a plus one. Oh yea let’s not forget that the mailman or mailgoddess lost the lovely invites. To this day I still haven’t received my tickets. Ha!

So as you see I just felt alone. I was spinning in my head. I didn’t appreciate the people who valued me because I was stuck on those who let me go. I was stuck in my head being reminded of my High School graduation. What happened? I got off the stage and my family magically disappeared. I didn’t get to say “Hey mom I did it!” Shit I didn’t even get a dinner or dress fancy or get to take pictures with classmates. It was a shitty reminder. It was a trigger. I hated it.
Photo by Lance Parker

I was in a room full of talented women who either were spiritual, practiced the word, was working on their second masters degree or self-employed. Yea I wrote a mediocre blog – I’ve been writing for five years and haven’t made an actual impact on anyone’s life. I didn’t feel like I belonged but it wasn’t until one of God’s best angels asked me if I was ok. Many people may not think asking someone if they’re ok helps at all but, for me it meant the world. Her asking me if I was ok reminded me that I was present. It reminded me that I mattered and there was someone that cared about how I felt. In this generation it’s hard to find that.

Speaking of my generation I believe that’s another reason I was in my feelings. There aren’t many people in my age group in Indy that I connect with. Everyone is comfortable and I consider myself an old soul. Hey! I literally spend five hours a day on ancestry.com trying to build my family tree, I watch documentaries and read books. However in all I’m grateful for all the gems my sisstars share with me and I’m very appreciative that Januarie York realized my potential before I even had the chance to fully appreciate myself. I’m thankful for sooo much but I will save that for another blog post.