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01. You feel powerless.
Especially if you’re already insecure. It’s so easy to feel like you don’t have any control of what’s going on in your life. The time he met me was about three months after I had a miscarriage and I experienced one of my rapes (I will save thing for another story). I felt vulnerable and alone and dealing with his shit just got worst.
02. You will go crazy.
When I say you will – trust me you WILL. You will start wondering if you’ve done enough. You will start questioning your own worth, loyalty and support system. Things get mental before physical.
03. It’s super triggering.
If you ever come across this person again or are stuck with them like I am (we have a child) then any argument sparked they will try to attack you for your past actions or downplay what you’ve done. Anytime I bring up our child and how I wish he was in his life more he continues to tell me how negative I am and brings up old habits and calling me stupid.
04. Someone else will notice before you do.
You can go through physical abuse but somehow still be convinced that you were the problem with everything. In my first altercation with my child’s father I was so used to him walking out so I stood in front of my bedroom door while our son was in the room and I tried to make him stay. He then started to grab me and push me out the way and things got worst from there – that event ended up with me tackling him. It literally wasn’t until the second physical altercation at his house that I learned I was in an abusive relationship. Before there I had friends come over his house and we’d drink at his house. There was this one time I started dancing and I tried to get my friends to dance and he started to tell me how I looked stupid, needed to sit down and how nobody is obligated to dance with me. My friend at the time snapped on him and she told me to never let anyone talk to me like that. I didn’t understand what she meant because I was so used to him talking down on me. Probably like a week or so later it was Valentine’s day and I went over his house. Long story short before things went down my other friends at the time noticed how he’d talk to me and explained how he told people one thing and told me another which I had no idea. At this time we were talking about having kids and still having sex. I was in shock and confused. By the time we were getting ready to leave I politely asked him to change our son’s diaper and he said “Fuck you, you do it.” and laughed. I remember me saying something along the lines like “Miles, I love you a lot but sometimes you make me wanna fight you.” He continued with calling me bitches and telling me to fight him and hit him. With him triggering me I was so quick to swing. That altercation ended up a lecture, me being in a headlock and standing outside for our Uber because we didn’t bring Egypt’s carseat with us.
05. They will harass you.
And they won’t stop.
06. They will blame you for their fuck ups.
AND continue to bring you down.
08. You will stuck feeling like you don’t deserve anything better.
For three years off and on I heard the negative things from someone I thought loved me and I was certain that we were meant to be together – point number 9.
09. They will manipulate you into thinking you both are meant to be.
I was under the impression that I was going to travel with this man, have another child with him and create endless art – boy was I wrong.
10. They will downplay you’re worth / intelligence.
And it’s not just a one time thing.